The Second Poem I ever wrote , Rewind

 

                                                                      Rewind

                                                                    By Tracy A. Reid

                                                                

I hide behind my keyboard

Ranting

Opposite world

Nothing works but my words, poorly or rich

Where am I?

She is lost in the past space

Hell

Battles lost and won

Too wounded to care

Biding my time

Searching in the rear view mirror for a glimpse of her

The Amazon Woman who led me into battles

Shouldering the wounded taking it's toll

They lash out like a woman in labor

No care for the warrior feeling their pain and fear ,

Ignoring my own mortality, stupid woman.

Shadows appear of her, in brief moments of hope and despair

Do I leave her in the ditch where she landed?

Will her triggers finally end her and I?
Will her guts ever relax? Ever ready on the lookout for traitors and weak spots.

Measuring stick too high for most. That kills me.

My keyboard is not a shield

Just a place to rest, refuel and start over

Who shall I be without her? With her? What could I have become? If her demand for justice had not gotten distorted by the fearful, hiding behind her?
Confession is ignored, only but for the warriors bearing your burdens and denial of needing me for your weakness and silence.

Stalled in a trigger that won't relent, stealing my power

So many choices , leave forever or stay?
Stay and fight

Stay and surrender

Somewhere in the middle is so weak without her

Maybe weakness is strength? Silence or Roar?

The rear view mirror misses myself that was.

Rewind exhausting. Nothing or All? The middle is missing, maybe in the ditch with her? Split into blind atoms fighting to gather.

A new attitude ? Maybe when the grieving subsides.

The litter of bodies behind me is vast

Too many lost lovies. Did they leave their warrior in the ditch too? Sacrifices rather than understanding?

A chance at rebirth, hollowed out now, ready for the canvas, where to begin? The background first, then the sketch will appear, filling in details, undercoat painting dimensions, color and shading. A wonder to be able to do this!

Pills and Yoga float me to shore on my shattered ego,

if only I had left that in the rear view mirror?

No warrior wins without an ego. Wisdom escapes here and there, leaking out the bile of battles lost and won. Tears and Battle Screams hold me together.

Lovies more disappointed than I. That is the worst of it.

Amazon woman falter and fall, their pedestal is too high and the battle continues, never ending. Catch 22.

The fires are coming soon, pelvic tilt, inhale deeply, exhale, brace myself, the wind will trigger me, forboding the speed of fire.

Armour on, no room for empathy, we all have our formula.

I want you to win. Every one of you. Please win your battles.
I will hide behind my keyboard and pray for you,

Your amazon warrior is just below your surface, grab her and fight for your life.

My job is done teaching you how to save yourself.

I am busy now putting me back together.

I'm back to work, rewinding looser, with caution, and this time, wiggling my toes.

Painting by Me, Tracy A. Reid

My PTSD Trigger brewing